Wednesday, May 31, 2017

COFFEE TALK: ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR FEELINGS


Hello my lovelies, welcome back to my blog and I am really humbled if anyone of you are still reading my blog till today. A not-so-interesting-yet-sometimes-relatable blog. 

Previously, I updated a post on boy's insecurities of our own looks and it has received numerous compliments by readers who dropped me personal messages on Instagram. It sort of inspired me to continue writing about stuff that are close to my heart, and hopefully it touches some soul out there 

Today, I am going to bare my soul to you guys, and have a talk about something that has always bothered me. Ironically, the issue is Myself. 


WHO AM I?

At certain point in your life, this question will pop up in your mind, "Who am I?" and this is what I termed as identity crisis - my friends call me crazy for thinking so. 

Especially at my age as a young adult, this pops up in my mind more frequently. You question yourself of your existence, of what you do, what you want to do, and who you want to be in the near future. And, that is totally normal as we are young adults trying to figure out our life. 

For me, I guess my mind decided to take things to another level, and I asked myself "Who am I to other people? My family. My friends. My colleagues. Or, even strangers on the road." 

This emotion builds up when I felt that I am at a disadvantaged position. Let me put things into context for your better understanding. 

All of us do have a handful or particular selected few friends in our life whom we deem as BFF, best friends, soul mate or whatever labels you want to put on them, you get the point. I do have my fair share as well. If you know me personally, or has been following me long enough, you would have realised by now that I am a person that would rather spend on others and treat them better than I would to myself. 

Not trying to boast or promote myself as a saint, but if I strike 4D or TOTO and win few million dollars, I would definitely splurge on my close friends and family, but would feel the pinch if I were to spend it on myself. You get it, right? 

Moving on. 

There are times, when I start to question my worth to these friends "Who and what am I to them?" Disclaimer: I am not asking for anything in return but would appreciate some gesture or sign of appreciation. 

Taking one of my experiences as an example: I have this friend, A, who has issues after issues piling up in his life. Me, being a friend, I will always try to take time out to visit him and talk to him in order to make sure that everything is in order for him. Let me just put it this way, this friend is rather emotionally unstable (like me, birds of the same feathers flock together right?) and I do not want things to end up in a regrettable manner, and blame myself in the future for not taking time out for him etc. This means, I always will stop what I am doing and attend to his needs when required.

Of course, everyone has their rights to make new friends, and I am not some crazy ass bitch that got "NO! YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ME AS A FRIEND!" (Trust me, this happens because I used to have 2 female friends who are damn famous now, and the reason why we split up? They do not like to share friends *roll eyes*). So, I was happy that he was making some new friends and taking his mind off the issues on his hands. 

Now, this group of newly acquainted friends are party-goers. As the name suggests, they always party and the funny thing is that they happen to be mutual friends of mine. Now you must be thinking "Isn't that great? You guys can hang out together!"

Nope. Not the case at all. 

Neither party invited me to any of their outings. Not once. 

I will get back to this again later in the post. Back to my friend A for a while. In order to maintain any form of relationship with anyone, we always have to put in effort. The simplest form of doing so, is to meet up for a dinner or just tea for the matter of fact. Here is how it does:

Me: Hey! Wanna meet up next week for dinner or not? Miss you leh!
A: Sure! Let me get back to you on a date :)
Me: Ok! Hehe. 

*One week later and still no news*

Me: Are we still meeting for dinner tomorrow? Haha. 
A: Oh, so sorry! This week I a bit busy with work and school eh.. think cannot meet
Me: Oh, ok lo. Then no worries, go get busy ba. Jiayou!
A: Thank you bestie :)


Everything seems normal up till this point yea? Just a friend asking another out for dinner, then one party cannot make it and we decided to postpone till the busy friend has more time. True, until I started browsing my Instastory feed. Guess what? Our dear friend A is out having dinner with some other friends of his, and then nex thing we know, he is in the club with this bunch of mutual friends. 

It sounds very petty of me, I know that. But it isn't really the case because it just dawned on me that maybe this is the type of friends we refer to as Fun Time friends since it did not happen once or twice, but on numerous accounts. And in any case, these people are receivers and not givers, and they are at the very other end of the spectrum when it comes to feelings sensitivity.  


FEELINGS SENSITIVITY SPECTRUM

I had a long 2 hours conversation with a friend of mine with regards to this. We came to the conclusion that both him and myself are VERY sensitive human beings. That actually means that our emotions are easily swayed by the actions of others. So, if one end of the spectrum belongs to those that are very sensitive, like myself, the other end would be a place call home to those who are nonchalant about stuffs and feelings of others. 

I think that it is very hard for any individual to achieve an in-between because that is just not so possible. Nothing is fair in this world, right? Haha. 


The Very Sensitive Ones

If you are as sensitive as me, I wouldn't say that we are useless or weak, but we do require more care and attention to ourselves. Do note that, being sensitive to others' feelings and actions is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it could be translated into a sign of strength, a unique trait that leaders should have in order to emphasise with others. 

The downside of being so, is that you do tend to be taken advantage by others easily. Also, you appear to be very clingy and desperate, because you appear to overthink to others. But, in actual fact, it is just who you are. 

Personally, I always have problems trying to cope with my emotions, especially when I am upset. I begin to feel that I do not deserve friends, and then another part of my mind tells me that I should not have any friends and hate everyone else because in this world, we should ONLY love ourselves. 

Sounds like a crazy person to you? Sort of actually. 

At times, I will blame myself entirely for what happens. Also, in the case with friend A. 

Now let me tell you, do not every blame yourself. It is not wrong for us to feel upset with friends and events that do not go our way. For us, what happens is that our feelings tend to get amplified in comparison to others, be it happiness or sadness, we feel more than others. This is not something that we can change because it sort of came as a package when we popped out of our mothers' vaginas. 

But, what we are able to control is how much we feel and how we look at things. To me, I realised the point that some friends are not meant to be kept by your side. You just have to realise an accept the fact that some people are meant to be just fun-time friends, and they will NOT be there for you when you need them. That's all there is to it. 

Four words: Not Meant To Be. 

Remember to protect yourself because YOU are unique individual and should not be defined by others. Do not let them belittle you. If they do not appreciate your existence and your care, so be it, because someone else in your life will. 


The Nonchalant & Bochap Ones

To my readers and friends who are the bochap category ones, I do not hate you, nor do I blame you for being who you are. In simpler terms, you just don't feel what we feel and it is not your fault too. 

What I do ask of you, is to be more sensitive of those around you, especially when you do realise that your friend(s) are the sensitive ones. Do not take things lightly and just pass them off as being too sensitive and always overthink small issues. The thing is that you never know when the sensitives would do crazy things and take their own life or hurt themselves in any ways. 

If you have watched 13 Reasons Why, you would have understood. True enough, Hannah is responsible for her own feelings and those around her, and not commit suicide as a form of escape. What you do not understand is that, for the vulnerable like Hannah, it is hard as feelings are amplified just like that. They did not choose to feel more than you do, it just happened. And trust me, there are many times I felt helpless and unable to cope it and what's worst is that there is no avenue for me to release the emotions penned up in me. 

Thus, show more care and concern. An action that might seem meaningless to you might have great impact on the feelings of your friends. 


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I think the problem with the younger generation today is that, not only do they face issues at school or with their friends, they are also affected by online influences as I mentioned previously. And it does not help that they have nobody to talk to because sometimes people regard their insecurities and issues as nothing more than puberty woes. 

I do urge you guys to show more care to your friends around you! For those who have issues and are unable to cope with them, you may drop me a DM on Instagram and I will be more than glad to advise you based on my personal experiences or just be a good listening ear. I received very good response from the previous post on insecurities and I hope that this post would do the same to you guys :) 

Cheers and let's make the world a cheerful and better one! 

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